Conversation with Sue

Sue: When you tell me of the customs of your country, like the offering of fruits to passersby etc. is this done every Thursday?


Ali: People consider it a value to do it every Thursday, but nobody follows the custom that rigidly now. I can say that it is very common. When they go to the cemetery, almost all people distribute “Kheirat” which is the date, fruits, sweets or even the food that you distribute among the people you find around yourself wherever you are. They say that the “Kheirat” is for their dead and demand some prayers for their dead from whoever receives it.

Sue: Do you go to the cemetery every week?

T: No, Sue. The reason may be that it is a little too far from our house. People go to the cemetery more than your countrymen here though.

Sue: I love the customs you share with me, and I wonder, does every Iranian act as you do? Are they as thoughtful and demonstrative in remembering their dead and in enacting the rituals?

Ali: Yes, people pay a lot of attention to their dead. When someone dies they hold several funerals for him. One after three days, another after seven days, another after forty days and yet another after one year. Even after that an anniversary funeral is held every year. In a beautiful Iranian film called “The Snowman” someone who is living in a foreign country tells his friend: “I want to return to Iran. In Iran you may be lonely in your life, but at least when you die people do not leave you alone.”

Sue: Khastergari is very strange to me. Almost never does money change hands in a marriage agreement in the United States. And that is a LOT of money by my standards. Does the father of the girl want it all at once, or can your brother pay it little by little?

Ali: The correct spelling is Khastegari, Sue. It is not necessary for you to learn Persian, but it would be wonderful and I am sure very interesting for you to learn some of the words which are culturally very important. I will pronounce them in an audio file and send them to you soon. There are only two or three sounds in Persian that are difficult for you to pronounce. Other than that, Persian is a very easy language to speak. The money does not change hands here either. People usually get along well. Neither the girl nor her family demand the money at once or even little by little. Most of the times it is not paid at all until the man is dead. The money I told you is a lot by our standard too. In Iran women can not divorce their husbands unless they can prove to the court that he is a drug addict, a thief or someone who can not support the wife financially in a decent way. Other than that, if there is not a serious flaw in the marriage the court will not accept the divorce request from a woman. Men, however, have the right to divorce if, of course, they can pay them their “Mehriye”. I must add quickly that even men have to express an acceptable pretext for their decision.  But all in all it is easier for men to divorce the spouse.  That is why girls sometimes demand astronomical Mehriye for themselves before saying the yes. All in all, marriages flow smoothly in Iran without many divorces. Divorce rate is very low in our country or rather has been very low until very recently. I know it is a bit too high in the US.

Sue: In America, the wedding is paid for by the bride's family usually, and the groom's family plays for the rehearsal dinner. Each family gives as nice a gift as they can to the new couple - but it goes to the bride and groom, not the parents.

Ali: In Iran there is an engagement celebration which is rather small. It is held in the girl’s house and of course paid for by the bride’s father. He receives the groom’s family and relatives as his guests. They make a Sofreh, gather around it and a clergy man who is almost always a Mullah reads a “Khotbeh”. After that the bride and the groom sign several documents. Fathers sign the documents too along with several other people as witnesses. The wedding celebration is held and paid for by the groom’s father.

Sue: How has your brother gotten to know this girl? Can they date? If not, how do they know if they will be compatible?

Ali: The girl worked for one of my brother’s friends. My brother saw her there at first, observed her closely for several months and when he realized that she was decent and lovable he stepped forward. Now before anything is made official they talk to each other on the phone for many hours every day. The phone bills for the two families are disastrously high. They may even see each other -- sometimes secretly, sometimes openly. 

Thanks for your attention to us.  Hope these help.

T